Peaceful Morning Walks, Super-sexy Dance Moves and Loud Burps

I spend every weekday morning from 6:30AM to 7:19AM yelling at gently reminding my seventh and fifth grader to get up/get dressed/come downstairs/start eating/put the book down like I asked you to/finish eating/go upstairs/stop yelling/open the damn bathroom door and let him or her in/brush teeth/brush hair/find glasses/come back downstairs/get papers signed/put books and papers in backpacks/stop arguing/put shoes on/put jackets on/stop playing with the dog/hurry up/and usually, STOP TEASING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW AND GET READY TO GO OR ELSE. I'm this close to opening a can of Whoop-Ass.

By 7:20 I'm in full-on Drill Sergeant mode. In between belting orders and threatening them with bodily harm, I'm giving lightening-fast hugs and kisses and forcefully shoving them out the front door. When I finally manage to get them both out of the house and on their way to the bus, I breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Cause Sweet Jeebus, they're gone! Hallelujah!! Can I get an AMEN???

Fact: I love school.

Fact: I love saying goodbye at 7:20am and hello again at 3:30pm.

Fact: I love knowing I'll have seven delicious hours to myself.

Additional Important Fact: When in my empty house, I enjoy burping and talking outloud to myself. Occasionally, I amuse myself by doing them both at the same time.

It's a glorious feeling to send them off into the world without me, those kids. I love them both, dearly. They are wonderful, smart, funny, kind-hearted, sometimes-super-annoying-but-not-all-the-time people. But, I also love my freedom. And the peace. And quiet. I love having the whole house to myself. There is nothing more appealing to me than a silent, empty house.

Except a silent, empty house AND a plate full o' Frau Müller's tasty delights.

Once the kids are on their way, I immediately go back upstairs and change out of my sexy Danish cotton pajamas, worn terrycloth bathrobe and old house slippers--and into what I like to call my "Cold Weather Morning Uniform."

Question: Is this a "uniform" for a job?

Answer: Yes, it  is. This job of mine requires both a uniform and constant vigilance, 365  mornings a year. For there's village business to take care of, mysteries to uncover, and cases to solve. I am a card-carrying, very, very important person (VVIP) in both the fields of "dog-walking" and "village sleuthing."

The "Cold-Weather Morning Uniform":

Pertains to the following clothing items--jeans, t-shirt, long-sleeve shirt, sweater, purple fleece jacket, thick black winter socks, running shoes, white fleece hat, black gloves, long-somewhat-unattractive and shapeless heavy black winter coat, and gray fleece leopard scarf "borrowed" from one's fifth grade daughter.

Most Important Item of My "Cold-Weather Morning Uniform":  Attitude, people,--attitude.

Additional, Additional Note: When I'm with B, and she performs her infamous dance moves, "The Sensual Lasso," and "Middle-Aged Woman Doing Step Aerobics," I am both incredibly proud and secretly jealous.

Okay, where were we?

Ah, yes. We were discussing dog walks in uniform. (It must be pointed out, with the warmer weather arriving, the morning uniform does away with the heavy winter coat, gloves and scarf. The fleece hat is replaced by a cool baseball cap from a duathlon I signed up for three years ago and never completed. All other elements remain the same.)

So, when I come downstairs in the morning, in uniform, this is what I will find:

   

It's Tex, who waits for me, patiently, by the front door. (Note to readers: We got "Tex" in Texas three years ago. We allowed the children to help with naming him. That's my excuse. I am still bummed we didn't name him "Mr. Weasley" or "Professor Flitwick." I always imagined myself outside yelling, "Mr. Weasley! You come back here!" or "Professor Flitwick! Stop peeing on my flowers!")

Once Tex is awoken and leashed, we head out onto the front stoop, where he acts as a sentinel, checking the neighborhood for danger.

 

Then, we're off into the fields, where his nose will remain exactly .00001  inches off the ground the entire time. (That is my super-sexy shadow, by the way.)

 

Here is another photo of my super-sexy shadow doing some super-sexy dance moves. Don't hate. Appreciate.

This part of our walk usually goes like this:

With some of this:

   

But mostly this:

Then I drag him through town, where I am tempted, at 7:45 am, by this:

Oh, Trafo. Your beer and Schnitzel are gifts from the gods. I will return this Friday evening to partake of these gifts. Especially the beer.

*Cue Whitney Houston's: I Will Always Love You.*

Then we pass places in the village I've been meaning to show you. Like this old, kind of scary playground in someone's overgrown, dumpy backyard:

It's hard to see, but there's a creepy merry-go-round in there, some rusted monkey bars and a dangerous-looking tree house. It's old-school. Like when you were little, and everything was metal and it was all surrounded by cement, and you got hurt/nearly killed every time you ever went to the playground.

I like this little tunnel through the trees we walk through sometimes. It's dark and mysterious.

Like mother, like hound:

What's back there?

Ooooh. It's someone's backyard. They have a pool. And some neatly stacked wood. I like looking in backyards almost as much as looking in windows...

Here's a house two doors down from mine. I have a total "house crush" on this baby:

It's covered in beautifully finished wood. Look at the adorable carport with the convertible VW Bug. It matches!

Here's the side view, with a replica of the house in the backyard for the kids to play in:

Tell me that isn't worthy of a serious "house crush." Just try.

When we finished with today's walk, we had something I like to call "Operation Bathe-Funk-On-Ya Dirty Dog."

It went a little something like this:

And eventually required another walk for drying purposes:

So once again, we were off around the neighborhood:

And then we left for a visit to the vet. Where poor Tex got a shot.

After his appointment, we came home and I ate half a bag of "Rold Gold Cheddar Flavored Tiny Twist" pretzels and drank a Diet Coke. I'm kind of a nutrition-junky, if you must know.

All for now, friends. I'm off to figure out what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks we're having for dinner tonight...

Mushroom Puff Pastry with Asparagus

OR

White Bean Chicken Chili with Garlic Bread

Tune in tomorrow to find out the exciting results! 

 

Comments

[melissa]

I'm not a dog person, but that little guy is too cunning for his own good. I'd totally dognap him. I love your morning outfit--and going along on your tromp. I do think the creepy playground is proof that there is a dark side to living in German.

[blackbird]

You are so damn cute.
Is it bad that I'm slightly thrilled that your children aren't perfect?
Or GERMAN?

[Tuli]

Tex is adorable! And so is your German village. And so are you! (Does anyone else think she looks like Geena Davis in that picture?)

In that first picture, what is the gold stuff on the horizon?

[eurolush]

Tuli, It's fields of safflowers off in the distance.

[Tuli]

Safflowers! Thanks for the info.

[mary]

I am here through Eleanor and was reading along thinking No she is describing me in the mornings with my three - not her, me !

Then I see the picture of the Westie. We had a Westie - a girl - no longer with us I am afraid. We had another dog - a mini schnauzer - whose name was Tex. A convoluted naming process was involved there but that little German boy was called Tex nevertheless.

Such spooky coincidences mean that I am now putting off getting the kids out of bed to face the morning horror and reading back through your archives.

[Eleanor]

Ok, this is now my new favourite post. Yes, I play favourites, and even though I have adored the other posts, they cannot come even close to this one.

I want to take this post and kiss it on both cheeks, and then put it into one of those digital frames that changes the photo like a slide-show, I KNOW you know what I mean. And then I want to put it on my kitchen counter so that while I am doing all that hideous stuff I do in my kitchen (endlessly) I can see this post over and over again.

Now...I also need to say...AMEN!!! to the first bit about the school schedule. You are so super-cute, and your look totally matches the way you write. I heart Tex. The uniform is perfect. Please tell your sister that the "middle-aged woman doing step aerobics" is actually my signature move. I vote for the mushroom puff pastry, what wine will you be serving with that?

[Anna of Helylle]

You are hilarious! And I mean that in a good way.

[Paola]

After you showed us your childhood pics I find you turned out exactly as I thought you would. You were an adorable child and are now a lovely woman. And I agree with Eleanor, your looks match the way you write.
And your hound is HILARIOUS (said one who doesn't go crazy for dogs...).

[Just Plain Jane]

That was fun.